Wisdom: Living Life with Emotions and Pragmatism

This post is a companion piece to "Chronic Stress: How Mental Patterns Shape Our Struggles." The other post emphasized the primacy of rational action in the face of crisis. When a child is drowning, we do not examine our emotions but jump into the lake to save them. Our survival, our livelihoods, our very commitments sometimes demand immediate, decisive action, regardless of the emotional maelstrom within. The emphasis of effective action is not a dismissal of emotion. Our emotions are an indispensable perceptual system, a profound form of knowing that enriches our lives, shapes our understanding, and ultimately, defines our capacity for connection, dignity, and purpose. We do not just have emotions; we feel our emotions in our gut and heart and perceive our world through our emotions.   Ignoring this is akin to navigating our world with half our senses dulled.

Emotions as Essential Perception

Imagine the world suddenly drained of color. Or perhaps, devoid of sound. This is more than a sensory loss; it's the amputation of an entire dimension of understanding. Emotions operate similarly. They are not simply reactions; they are our most fundamental form of evaluation, an intricate internal radar system that constantly assesses our relationship with our environment. As neuroscientist Joseph LeDoux meticulously illustrates in Synaptic Self, our primal fear circuitry doesn't wait for our deliberative thoughts to gather evidence. It offers an instantaneous, pre-cognitive appraisal of threat—a rapid, bodily signal that screams "Danger!" To ignore such a signal, to insist we "feel good" in a demonstrably perilous situation, is not courage; it’s a dangerous form of self-deception, like disabling a smoke alarm in a burning house. 

Now, consider the functional challenges faced by those who lose access to emotions. An individual suffering from anhedonia doesn't just lack joy; they describe a world stripped of vibrancy, motivation, and meaning. Their inner compass is broken. Consider a stroke victim, a person whose capacity for spontaneous emotional resonance has been damaged. The seemingly simple act of choosing a birthday card can become an agonizing, purely intellectual exercise. Without the subtle "aha!" of recognition, the intuitive sense of appropriateness that guides most people, the decision becomes paralyzing. Emotions are integral to our very capacity to perceive, decide, and engage meaningfully with the world, from the mundane to the monumental.

Habituation

Our emotional system is built to respond intensely to novelty and then, through a process called habituation, to adapt and modulate and reduce those responses over time and multiple exposures to the same set of triggers. Habituation is a double-edged sword: a powerful tool for resilience, but also a stealthy thief of appreciation. It allows us to survive, to learn, and to grow without paralyzing anxiety, but it also carries the risk of taking what is precious for granted.

Let’s trace this journey through three very different, yet parallel, human experiences: crossing a bridge over a ravine, embarking on the audacious dream of opening a quaint coffee shop, and navigating the unfathomable depths of bereavement after the loss of a child. While their scale and nature differ dramatically, these examples illuminate shared psychological principles of confronting overwhelming emotions, leveraging rational action, and finding our way through adaptation.

1. Overwhelming Encounter.

Faced with a high bridge, we might feel primal, visceral terror. Despite our rational mind insisting on its safety, our emotional mind screams danger. Legs turn to jelly. Many retreat, others force themselves across with eyes shut, making each passage a nightmare. Simultaneously, for the aspiring coffee shop owner, the dream is exhilarating, yet shadowed by paralyzing fear—fear of failure, of financial ruin, of personal embarrassment. The very idea of taking the plunge battles an overwhelming internal resistance. For the bereaved mother, the initial impact of losing a child is catastrophic. The world stops. Every sensory input, every thought, every beat of the heart is saturated with an agonizing, all-consuming pain. In all three cases, the emotional system is signaling an overwhelming challenge, an existential threat to comfort, security, or self.

2. Cognitive Inhibition and Reluctant Engagement.

As we approach the bridge we start observing others—commuters, families—navigating the span with ease. This external data begins to chip away at the fortress of raw fear. We take reluctant, shaking steps, eyes now open, consciously balancing the rational evidence of safety with the internal storm of terror. For the entrepreneur, this stage involves market research, seeking advice from mentors, perhaps even working a trial shift in another cafe. The sight of thriving businesses, of successful founders, provides a crucial cognitive counter-narrative to the initial dread. With a pounding heart, the lease is signed, the equipment ordered, the first concrete actions taken, driven by a reluctant but determined will to proceed.

For the grieving mother, this means a slow, agonizing realization that life, however cruel, continues for others. She observes friends, family, even strangers, still living, still experiencing moments of joy, all while carrying their own burdens. The rational demands of daily life—eating, tending to other children, answering a phone—begin to assert themselves. These actions are not a betrayal of her lost child; they are a reluctant acknowledgment of her own continued existence, a forced, agonizing engagement with the world despite the profound pain.

3. Habituation to the Initial Intensity.

The emotional landscape begin to shift. For the bridge user, with repeated crossings, the body gradually recalibrates. The legs cease to shake, the heart rate stabilizes, and the terror that once gripped them recedes. This is the essence of exposure therapy: consistent, non-threatening engagement with a feared stimulus teaches the emotional system that the danger signal was a false alarm. Crossing becomes routine. The coffee shop owner, too, finds that the initial chaos gives way to a predictable rhythm. Daily crises, once existential threats, become manageable hurdles. The pervasive fear of failure recedes, replaced by a growing sense of competence and control. For the grieving mother, the acute, paralyzing intensity of her grief slowly, inexorably, shifts. It doesn't disappear, but its all-consuming nature lessens. Functional capacity returns. She learns to carry her grief as a background companion rather than being constantly overwhelmed by it, finding moments where she is not actively weeping, moments where her thoughts can briefly drift from her loss.

4. Appreciation and Connection.

The daily march across the bridge is no longer accompanied by fear. A new capacity for wonder emerges. Now it is possible to notice the sweeping vista of the ravine, the glint of sunlight on the water, finding unexpected beauty in the daily commute. The experience transforms from mere endurance to enrichment. For the coffee shop owner, the daily grind, once simply endured, now offers moments of profound satisfaction. They observe customers savoring lattes, witness new friendships forming, and feel a deep sense of pride in the community created, the dream made real. For the grieving mother, the journey here diverges from a simple transition to joy. There will never be a "joy" in losing a child. But there can be a profound, almost excruciatingly beautiful experience of allowing oneself to perceive a beautiful view, to appreciate the quiet hum of a thriving cafe, while simultaneously missing the child, wondering what they would have thought, or how they would have reacted. This is the profound capacity to do both: to live fully in the present moment, experiencing its colors and sounds, and to miss someone deeply, allowing the grief to reside alongside the beauty. It is a fusion of presence and enduring absence.

5. Mundane vs. Enduring Significance.

Yet another walk across the bridge and even the beautiful view eventually fades into the background. The bridge becomes so routine, so automated, that it's crossed unconsciously. The wonder, the beauty, the initial terror—all replaced by a comfortable, almost invisible familiarity. The profound experience becomes a mere backdrop. The coffee shop, too, can fall prey to this. The magic, once so palpable, is taken for granted. Routine obscures the initial thrill and the deep satisfaction of building a dream. The business, once a passion, risks becoming "just work."

By contrast, the grief for a lost child will never become mundane. It's just too important of a loss. Reminders like anniversaries, birthdays, or special events (attending the graduation of a friend’s son) will invariably bring fresh tears, a pang of acute loss. This enduring, non-mundane grief, however, holds a powerful, paradoxical key: it teaches us that not everything becomes mundane. The indelible scar of profound loss paradoxically highlights the value of everything else. The mother knows that she needs to force herself to pay attention to whatever remains in her life, least she will lose it to grief. She becomes a pragmatist: appreciating all that remains while being fully aware of her loss.

Pragmatic Gratitude: Don't Count Your Blessings, Use Them

The "mundane" stage, whether on the bridge or in the coffee shop, highlights a crucial challenge of habituation: it can quietly diminish our capacity for appreciation. This is not a failing of our emotional system but a natural consequence of its efficiency. We are wired to pay attention to change and novelty, not to the constant. Furthermore, as discussed in "Chronic Stress: How Mental Patterns Shape Our Struggles," the hyperfocus on the stressful makes it impossible for us to see beyond the pain. This stops us from tapping into what is still available to us and prevents us from achieving the peace we desire.

Pragmatic gratitude is more than simply "counting your blessings"—a passive acknowledgment that can quickly become perfunctory. We should strive for an active, mindful engagement with the good things in our lives. Leverage our blessings, not just keeping a tally. Don’t be thankful for an apple pie, roof over your head or the swimmable lake in your neighborhood.  Eat the apple pie, savor the taste, make your home homey, go for a swim.  It takes effort to un-mundane our lives.

If we appreciate the beautiful view from the bridge, pragmatic gratitude means consciously pausing, taking a deep breath, and letting the beauty truly sink in, perhaps even sharing it with a fellow traveler, drawing them into the shared moment. If we are grateful for our thriving coffee shop, it means taking time to connect with a regular customer, mentoring a new barista, or finding a new, small way to enhance the customer experience, rather than simply going through the motions.

The mother who has experienced profound loss often intuitively understands this. Because her grief never becomes mundane, she learns to actively seek out and consciously savor the moments of warmth, connection, and simple beauty that life still offers. She doesn't wait for things to spontaneously become special; she puts in the effort to notice and use the blessings, while fully understanding their fragility.

Gratitude mixed with pragmatism becomes our scout, constantly searching for the richness of the present, inviting us to taste, see, hear, and feel the textures of life we might otherwise overlook. Making us feel.

The Wise Mind and The Importance of Action

Do not choose between head and heart, integrate them. Marsha Linehan’s concept of the "Wise Mind" in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) offers a good starting place: a meeting point between the emotional mind (driven by feelings, intuition, impulse) and the rational mind (driven by logic, facts, reason). True human flourishing emerges from this synthesis, where the intuitive wisdom of our emotions informs our logical reasoning, and our rational thought helps us effectively manage and respond to our feelings.

The gap between knowing and feeling is a common human experience. We can intellectually grasp a new, more functional view of the world—for instance, that despite our shortcomings, we are not useless—but our emotional system might stubbornly refuse to "feel" it as true. This is where the impact of action becomes paramount. We don't just feel our way into a new way of acting; often, we act our way into a new way of feeling. The familiar call to "just do it" is not an instruction to ignore difficulty or push through blindly. It’s an invitation to act without the paralyzing burden of resentment, crippling worry, or wishful thinking, allowing the experience of aligned action to create that emotional stamp of approval for our more functional self perception.

Beyond "Feeling Good": Dignity and Meaningful Life

The relentless pursuit of "feeling good" is a deceptive siren call. If we organize our lives solely around maximizing pleasant sensations or avoiding discomfort, we invariably shy away from the challenges that forge genuine growth and meaning. In The Happiness Hypothesis, Jonathan Haidt illustrates this with his "rider on the elephant" metaphor. Our rational mind is the small rider, attempting to steer the massive, powerful emotional elephant. While the rider can exert some control, the elephant ultimately has the momentum. True, lasting happiness, Haidt argues, doesn't come from forcing the elephant to feel good, but from aligning the rider and the elephant on a path that leads to a life that they both agree on—a life characterized by purpose, strong relationships, engagement in meaningful activities, and a sense of contribution. Happiness is a byproduct of living well, not a goal to be directly chased. A good life is a life where actions align with deeply held values, not merely fleeting desires.

The distinction of "feeling smart" versus "being smart" can help us understand the distinction between "feeling good" and "living a good life". If our primary goal is to feel intelligent, we might avoid any situation that exposes our ignorance, any debate that challenges our preconceived notions. Yet, true intelligence, true learning, demands that we frequently grapple with feeling "stupid" as we confront new information, stretch our understanding, and acknowledge our limitations. Similarly, getting drunk or watching Netflix on a binge might make us feel good but it certainly does not help us build a good life.

This brings us to Viktor Frankl. Surviving the unimaginable horrors of Auschwitz, Frankl articulated a radical truth: while we cannot always control our external circumstances, we retain the ultimate freedom to choose how we react to them. This has nothing to do with "positive thinking" or pretending to feel good in the face of despair. Instead, it embodies a fierce internal resolve not to lose more than life takes away from us. Frankl chose to construct his book, Man's Search for Meaning, in his mind during his imprisonment. This act was not about making himself "feel happy"; it was about preserving his identity, his dignity, and his intellectual self, even as his physical freedom and basic humanity were systematically stripped away. It was a conscious choice to live a life that made sense, given the unspeakable circumstances, rather than succumb to nihilism or passively accept his fate. Such a choice cultivates a deep sense of self-worth that no external force can truly diminish.

Emotional Maturity and Healing

Emotions, particularly the uncomfortable ones, are vital signals. Anger often points to a violation of boundaries or justice. Sadness signals loss. Anxiety flags potential threats or uncertainty. To actively avoid these signals, whether through endless digital escapism, numbing addictions, or a relentless pursuit of superficial positivity, is to ignore critical data about our internal and external world. This pursuit of constant comfort risks making us emotionally illiterate.

Therapy, at its most profound, does not promise to make us "feel good" when our lives are genuinely painful or broken. It cannot magically erase difficult realities. However, it can equip us to act in ways that preserve our personal dignity, align with our values, and ultimately, build a life worth living, even amidst profound struggle.

Emotional maturity means we understand that emotions can only be processed when we face their triggers. This doesn't mean recklessly seeking out pain or wallowing in an never-ending analysis of our pasts. It's the willingness to move forward, to maintain a clarity of how we want to live our lives even when that clarity get clouded by anxiety or, better, sharpened by a sense of belonging.